If You Were
by girlinterrupted22
Summary: Some things are impossible to recover from. When personal tragedy strikes one happily married couple, it sends ripples throughout all of SGH.  Everyone's lives are in a tailspin. Warning...child death.  Eventual pairings include MerDer, Gizzie, and Addex.
1. All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing

**a.n.-The main event in this chapter is actually based on the real life story of a little girl named Abigail that I saw on CNN.**

My head found it's way to my pillow as the events of the previous twenty-four hours weighed in on my heart.

"It's not your fault, Mer. You know that, right?" Derek's eyes studied me from beneath his dark mane of hair with intense scrutiny.

"Derek…" I sighed, wiping the tear from my eye before he could see it, "here I am, the second best neuro-surgeon in the country…stuff like this shouldn't affect me, right? That's what you want me to believe? Well it does, this was…"

"A four year old little boy died on your table today, Meredith, I'm not saying it shouldn't affect you. I'm just saying that it wasn't your fault. You did the best you could."

"He reminded me of Richie," I whispered, referring to our three year old son who was sound asleep in the next room. "I can't imagine what that mother must be going through, you know? This one was harder than most, I guess."

Derek squeezed my hand as he lay in bed beside me. "I know, but that little boy today was very sick, and Richie is just fine."

I sat up in bed, pushing the blankets into a heap at my feet. "I'm going to go check on Richie again."

Derek smiled. "Don't wake him up," he cautioned.

I moved quietly down the hallway, careful to avoid any creaking floorboards that might wake my sleeping son. I cracked open the door and savored the sight of my sleeping child, one arm around his crumbly teddy bear, and the other shoving his thumb in his mouth. I tried without success to replace the image of the little boy on the table with the image of my happy healthy child. I couldn't imagine the pain of the parents, what it would feel like to have their child so suddenly taken away.

Shutting the door carefully to prevent any loud clicks, I went back down the hallway to my own room. Derek had shut off the light, but was still awake. "He's sleeping," I reported.

"I figured," Derek laughed. "You have the day off tomorrow?"

"Yeah," I answered, burrowing back under the blankets. "No surgeries scheduled until the day after. I have residents to keep an eye on my patients. I need a break."

"I'm taking tomorrow off too," he announced. "I thought that maybe we could take Richie to the pool or something, have some fun. We don't get enough time to spend all together as a family."

"Sleeping past five am is always an added plus," I pointed out. "I'm definitely sleeping in."

"I wonder if Izzie and George have off?" he thought out loud. "It might be nice to invite them too."

"I'll call her in the morning," I answered, shoving my head under the pillow. "I want to go to sleep!"

Derek's laughter followed me into dreams as I drifted off to sleep.

OooooooooooooooooooooooO

Izzie and I reclined side by side in matching tanning chairs, watching as Derek and George roughhoused with the boys in the kiddy pool. I smeared sun block over my skin as I basked in the warmth of the sun.

"This beats surgery. I mean, I never thought that was something that I would say," Izzie chuckled, "but it's been a while since I just stopped and took a moment to…What's that expression?"

"Enjoy the roses?" I offered.

"Smell the roses!" she corrected. "But yeah. I don't think we stop and smell the rose often enoug. We work too hard. We need a vacation."

I tossed her the tube of sun block. "Put this on. You know you burn."

The scent of coconuts drifted over as she lathered up her arms. "It's hard to believe Doug is going to be seven, you know? Sometimes I wonder if I miss too much, being away at work so often. He doesn't seem to mind, but I still wonder what it does to him. I think I worry too much."

"I worry too. A lot in the last day."

"I heard about the little boy. I'm really sorry, Mer. I know that made you sad."

"It's okay…I just look at Richie and it reminds me what I'm doing it for, you know? I can't believe Richie's going to be five. Are we doing the joint birthday party thing again this year? Doug really liked that last year, he thinks it the neatest thing ever that they're exactly two years apart." I tied my hair up and arranged a towel behind my head before sliding my sunglasses over my eyes.

Izzie nodded eagerly, one eye still on the boys as she replied, "We should start planning now then. We only have a couple of weeks until their birthday." Izzie pulled her own sunglasses off the top of her head and gazed out over the water.

George was trying to teach Richie to swim using Doug as an example. "You float like this, Richie." He laid on his back in the water of the tiny pool. "Like this."

Richie slapped his palm down on the water, laughing hysterically. The water was shallow enough that the little boy could stand up. Doug dog paddled around his friend, showing off amongst his father's praises.

I turned towards Izzie, just to see if she was watching, but she was already sound asleep. I let my thoughts drift away like the ripples in the water, catching Derek and George lifting Doug up and dunking him briefly under the water. They pulled Doug up sputtering and laughing as Richie kept on slapping the water with his hands and kicking his feet. "This is fun!" I heard him cry as I slipped into my own sleepy haze.

I woke with a start to the shrillness of a child screaming.

"What? What's going on? What's happening?" Izzie suddenly shot up beside me, her sunglasses shining down her nose.

It took me a minute to snap out of my sleep haze; to notice the commotion that was in the pool. Doug was screaming at the top of his lungs as Derek dove frantically under the water. Richie was nowhere in sight.

"Oh my God, Richie, where's Richie?" I flung myself out of the chair and dove into the shallow pool, pushing as fast as I could through the water.

In the seconds it took me to reach him, Derek had pulled Richie out of the water and was cradling his lifeless body in his arms. Derek stepped out of the pool, laying Richie down on the cement. He was starting CPR before I entirely registered what was happening. There was blood in the pool. A lot of blood in the pool.

George was on the phone to what I assumed to be 911. "We need an ambulance. I'm not sure what happened exactly, we were in the kiddy pool, and he fell down on his bottom, there was no cover on the drain, he got stuck, and the suction was too great, he's only four years old, you have to hurry. Please, hurry."

His words barely registered. Izzie's hand on my arm only made me turn numb, as she steered me out of the wading pool and away from the sight of my son's blood, everywhere. Derek had been right. It was different when it was my own child; very different.

I sank onto the ground beside the pool, my breath coming in short gasps. Derek and George were doing the CPR together, and Derek kept begging Richie to breathe. Izzie huddled over me protectively, her arms encircling my body to simply hold me together.

Everything was flying apart as I heard George say, "Derek, he lost too much blood. There's too much blood."

There was definitely too much blood, a little four year old boy couldn't possibly hold that much blood. My brain was buzzing, my teeth numb from the lack of breathing. "I know it's hard, Mer," Izzie whispered, "but you have to keep breathing. All you can do is keep breathing, please, Mer."

Somehow, Doug had wound up beside us, cowering behind his mother. "Mommy, is he going to be okay, is he going to be okay, Mommy? Mommy?"

The ambulance pulled up with a scream of sirens, and several paramedics came running through the gates. There were so many people crowded around my son, I couldn't see him anymore, and I couldn't stand it. I buried my head in Izzie's shoulder, so short of breath that everything was numb.

The paramedics were calling out vitals, putting different things into my son, trying to get him stable. They were trying to make him live again, and I knew that, but it didn't make it easier.

Derek was kneeling on the ground in front of me, and I peered out at him from under my hair. He was bawling, and Derek never cried. The paramedics were stripping off their gloves and putting their things away. Someone covered Richie up with a blanket. All the while, Derek kept repeating, "Oh my God, he's gone, Mer, he's gone."


	2. I'd Rather Be Dreaming Than Living

The walls, curtains, decorations, equipment…Everything around me told me that I was at Seattle Grace. My head felt as if it was filled with lead, and I couldn't lift it up from the pillow. _This isn't right._ I thought. _I'm a surgeon, not a patient. I shouldn't be in this bed, I should be helping patients, checking on my patients, I can't take a nap, I…_

The wave of reality hit me like a ton of bricks. "Richie," I moaned, feeling all of the breath rush out of my lungs.

"Meredith?" Derek was right beside me, and I hadn't even seen him there. "Meredith, it's me." He reached out a gentle hand and tried to turn my face towards him.

Tears ran down my face, blurring my vision as I tried to look at him. "Richie," I sobbed, "Where's Richie, Derek, where is he?"

Derek shook his head, choking on his words as he whispered, "There was an accident, Meredith, do you remember?"

I buried my head in my pillow, shaking my head. "That was a dream, Derek, it was just a dream, I'm don't believe it, I can't…" I was sobbing so hard that I started to cough, and Derek pulled me up to his chest, rubbing the back of my head with his hand.

"Meredith, you need to try and calm down, you need to breath," he said quietly. "You passed out, you had an anxiety attack, and you weren't breathing right. You need to try and keep breathing for me, okay?"

"Okay," I whispered, taking in several big gasps of air. When I stopped breathing deeply, I started to cry again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just…"

"It's okay, Mer. I'm here." Derek crawled into the bed beside me. "I'm right here."

"Derek…" I mumbled as he started to wipe the tear streaks from my face, "what…What happened? What happened…to Richie?"

Silent tears streamed down his face as he answered, "I'm not…sure." He poured me a glass of water out of the pitcher on the nightstand, and I drank it gratefully, grasping it in shaky hands. "We were all playing in the pool…Me…George and Doug…and…Richie." He swiped furiously at the tears on his cheeks. "He…Richie…fell down. Something was wrong with the drain. He…He wasn't under the water, but he…he was sitting up…He was wailing. And there was blood, so much blood, Mer…blood…I couldn't…"

Derek broke off, laying my head back down on the pillow and walking over to the window.

"I…don't believe it," I said between tears, "this isn't real, this isn't real."

"I'm sorry, Mer," he said to the window.

There was knock on the door, and Bailey came into the room, followed by Izzie. "Derek," Bailey said, "I can't tell you how sorry I am."

At her words, I began to sob uncontrollably again. Izzie pushed past Bailey and ran to me, drawing me into her arms. "Meredith, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry," she said again and again, rocking me back and forth.

Over the sound of my tears, I could hear Bailey whispering to Derek. "We need one of you to come downstairs and identify the body, Derek. I think it might be better if it was you."

Sobs wracked my body in waves so hard that I thought I might be sick. I didn't see Derek as he went up to Izzie, but I heard him say, "Take good care of her while I'm gone, okay?"

"Take care of yourself too, Derek," Izzie answered. "I'll be here for Mer for as long as I have to be."

I heard the door open and shut again as Bailey led Derek out, and I lifted my head up to look at my friend. "Izzie…" Black spots clouded my vision as the room spun around, and the nausea came back in full force. "I think I'm going to be sick."

She grabbed the garbage can from beside the bed and got it in my lap just as my stomach started turning inside out. I struggled for breath as I emptied the contents of my stomach into the trash, and Izzie held my hair out of the way. My knuckles turned bone white as I clung for dear life to the can, throwing up over and over again until there was nothing left inside me. When the heaving subsided, I fell back in exhaustion onto the pillows.

Izzie ran into the room's bathroom and got a wet washcloth, dapping at my damp forehead. "Richie…" I moaned again, curling up in a fetal position as I clutched my stomach. "Oh god, Izzie, oh god…"

"Do you need the trash again, Mer?"

I shook my head.

Izzie gently moved me over and laid down beside me on the bed. "I called Cristina. She's going to meet us at your house later tonight, when Derek takes you home."

"I can't stop crying, Izzie," I sobbed. "I don't know how to make it stop."

Izzie laid her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arms around me. "I'm so sorry, Mer, I know I keep saying that, but I wish so much that I could make it better. I really do."

I leaned into Izzie, sobbing until my body ran out of tears.


	3. Living's Just Too Hard To Do

Addison didn't remember ever running as fast as she was running right at that moment. Into the elevator, down the hall…and there he was. He was just standing there with his hands in his pockets, staring vacantly through the window.

"Derek, I just heard, I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"People keep saying that," he answered, still staring into the now curtained off viewing room. "They keep saying that," he said again.

Placing a hand lightly on Derek's shoulder, Addison responded, "Because they don't know what else to say."

Derek turned away from the window and sat in the chair across the hall. "I saw my son in there, Addie. My son."

"I know. But you have to know he's in a better place now, he's not in any pain anymore."

"That's good," Derek agreed. "But Meredith thinks it's a dream, and I don't know how to explain to her that it's real, I don't know how to make her see…"

"Don't force her, Derek. Don't force it. She's hurting just as bad as you are right now, she's just in denial. She's one of my closest friends. I was going to go visit her after I saw you. I just had to make sure that you were okay first." Addison sat in the chair next to him and took his hand. "I know it's dumb to ask, but…are you?"

"Am I?"

"Okay. Are you okay?"

Derek shook his head. "It's the dumbest thing ever, Addie, I feel so stupid!"

"I'm not sure what you mean," she said, confused.

"It was the drain, Addie, the cover wasn't on the drain, and he fell down in the pool, Richie fell in the pool…he sat right on the drain…and I tried…I tried to get him off, but it sucked…everything…It…"

Addison grasped his hand between both of hers, rubbing it lightly. "It's okay to cry, Derek. You can let yourself cry."

"I have. Believe me."

Addison nodded, standing up as Izzie stepped out of the elevator. "Derek," she said quietly, "Meredith's been discharged. She really wants to leave. Do you want…"

He looked up at Izzie abruptly. "Would you mind taking her home? I really just need to sit here for another minute, alone. I need to think. I need to think about…what to do."

"Okay," Izzie agreed, looking at Addison helplessly. "She's in really bad shape, Derek."

"I know," Derek mumbled, focusing on the floor. "I just need…a few more minutes."

"Do you want me to go with them?" Addison offered. "I'll help any way I can."

Derek nodded before turning away from them in the chair. Addison and Izzie took that as their cue to get back to the elevator.

"Where is she?' Addison asked.

"Upstairs in her room, already in the wheelchair and ready to get out. I'm really scared for her, Addison, I don't know what to do for her."

"How was she holding up?"

Izzie shrugged, her eyes welling up with tears. "As well as she can, I guess. She was crying so hard that she made herself sick, and then she just…stopped. She won't say anything now, really. She just…stares."

They got off on the right floor, walking the distance to the room in silence. I was focused on the floor, slumped in the chair so that my hair hung in front of my face. Addison knelt in front of me, tucking my hair back behind my ears. "Hey, Mer," she said quietly.

"Hey," I whispered, unable to say much else.

"How are you holding up?"

I felt my eyes well up again, and I shook my head in response.

Izzie got behind the wheelchair, kicking off the brake. "We're going to take you home, Meredith. Derek's going to meet us back at your house, when he gets done downstairs."

"At the morgue," I mumbled towards the floor. "He's at…the morgue, right?"

I saw Addison and Izzie exchange glances before Addison answered, "Yes. He's down at the morgue."

I nodded silently, trying not to think of what it meant that my husband was at the morgue. _It's not real._ I thought over and over. _Richie's not at the morgue. I'm going to get home, and he's going to be there. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real._

Izzie pushed me slowly down the hallway and into the elevator, with Addison shooting death glares at anyone who dared to look at us. As we rolled out into the lobby and the parking lot, I quietly uttered, "I have to believe he'll be there when I get home. I have to."

Addison gave my shoulder a quick squeeze and ran to pull up her car.

"I know, sweetie, I know. But…" Izzie trailed off, unable to continue.

"But I know he's…he's really gone," I finished. "He's…gone…"


	4. Child of Mine

The house looked empty and cold. Cristina's car was in the driveway, and she was leaning against the rear bumper as we pulled up. Cristina flew across the driveway and was pulling me out the door and into her arms before the car was totally stopped. "Oh God, Mer, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she murmured into my hair as she stroked my back.

My legs gave way slightly, and Addison was right on my other side to steady me. "Let's get you inside, okay?"

Izzie ran ahead to get the door unlocked as Cristina and Addison helped me up the driveway. I was steered onto the first available couch and settled in before Izzie disappeared into the kitchen to make tea. Cristina took the tiger colored blanket that was draped over the back of the couch and wrapped it around my shoulders, but I caught her mouthing over my head, "Where's Derek?"

"The morgue," I said once again, feeling a bit like a broken record. In the last hour, that was pretty much the only word I'd said. _Morgue. The morgue. Richie…is in the morgue._

Cristina blinked in surprise. "Oh."

There was a picture on the glass coffee table in front of me, of the three of us…Derek, Richie, and I. Richie was about two. He was giggling and burying his face in Derek's shoulder. He hadn't wanted to look at the camera. I reached out for the picture, pulling it to my chest.

"Mer…?" Cristina whispered. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head, pulling the picture away from my body to peer at it again.

Izzie and Addison came into the living room teapot and a tray of cups. I rose up off the couch and passed by them without saying a word, going up the stairs and down the hall to a room I knew very well, the one that had been my favorite in the entire house.

Richie's room was exactly the way he had left it. He had made the bed that morning, the corners pulled up in the style of a child who wasn't yet firm in his bed making. His scraggly brown bear still rested on his pillow where he placed it with care every single morning. _Where he used to place it…he won't be putting it there anymore. _

I collapsed on the bed not realizing I was still clutching his picture until I heard it strike the floor. _His bed is so small…a little boy bed._ My feet hung over the end of the bed as I buried my face in his bear, drawing in the smell. _Someday, he could have had a big boy bed…but he won't ever have that. He's never going to have that._ I wanted so badly to cry, my entire body ached with the need, but I didn't have any more tears to shed.

I traced the eyes on the bear, the top of it's head, over and over again. I imagined that it was my son in my arms and not his bear, and I found myself drowning in the numbness. My friends were whispering outside the door, but it was easier to pretend that nothing except for Richie and I existed anymore.

OooooooooooooooooooO

"Should we go in?" Addison wondered.

"Maybe we should give her a couple of minutes alone," Izzie interjected.

"It can't be good for her to be in there, not right now," Cristina pointed out.

Izzie shrugged. "I don't know…maybe."

"What happened?" Cristina asked. "I mean…"

Izzie shook her head, her hand flying to her mouth as she turned her head to hide the tears. "There was…We were at the pool," she whispered. "I'm not even sure." Tears streamed down her cheeks as she continued, "I think…I think he fell on the drain…and it…The suction was really bad. There was a lot of blood in the water, so much blood."

Cristina was totally unused to the feeling of tears on her cheeks, but there they were. She couldn't even imagine the pain that her best friend was feeling.

"Meredith jumped into the pool, into the blood…she went to her son. In the water…and I think he was already gone…" Izzie's voice trailed off as she slid down the wall to the floor.

Addison sat down next to Izzie, wrapping an arm around the younger woman. Only Cristina remained standing. "I don't think she should be alone right now," Cristina stated, fiercely wiping the tears from her eyes as she reached for the doorknob. "I'm going in."

Derek appeared at the head of the stairs, his eyes bloodshot and his hair totally disheveled. "I'll go in," he responded. "It should be me." He pushed past Cristina and opened the door, disappeared inside.

OoooooooooooooooooooO

The bed dipped under the added weight as Derek slipped into the bed behind me, wrapping me in his arms. He slipped the teddy bear out of my grip with one hand, placing it on the pillow behind us. I was too numb to fight him on it, and I let him roll my body over till I was facing him.

"Meredith? I don't think it's good for you to be in here right now…not today," he whispered.

I didn't answer, my mind lost in the memories that were stuck inside.

"Maybe in a couple of days…a little more time?"

I could tell that he was struggling not to cry, trying to be brave in front of me. Or maybe he too, like me, didn't even have any tears left. I couldn't find any words.

"Meredith? Please say something…talk to me…you're scaring me…"

"I…" I swallowed several times, trying to clear my throat. "I can't, Derek…not yet."

"Okay," he nodded.

I buried my face into Richie's pillow, wishing that I could disappear.

"Meredith, I'm going to take you out of here. Is that okay?"

"Okay…" I mumbled.

Derek stood up and drew me into his arms, carrying me out the door, past my friends, and down the hall into out own bed. He laid me down on the mattress, pulling the blankets up around me. He went back out to the hall, where my friends were waiting. "I think you guys you should go home for now, come back tomorrow. I just want to be with my wife." He fled back into the bedroom before they could say a word, and curled up in the bed beside me.


	5. The Fifteenth Hour

Derek was sound asleep on his stomach, his right arm draped loosely over my body. As gently as I could, I raised his arm slightly and slipped out from underneath, sliding out of the bed. The alarm clock read three after five in its digital greenness as I opened the door to the hallway and padded down to the kitchen.

_It's only been fourteen hours. The worst fourteen hours of my life, but it's only been fourteen hours. Fourteen hours ago…he was here. And now he's not. This is seriously unfair. Life's unfair…_

I pulled the filtered pitcher out of the fridge and poured myself a glass of water, only to set the glass down on the breakfast bar and stare at it.

_There was blood in the water. A lot of blood in the water._

I gasped, the pitcher shattering across the tile when I lost my grip on the handle. I buried my face in my hands, dry sobs threatening to strangle the breath out of me.

The overhead light flickered on. "Meredith?"

I peered out over the tips of my fingers to see Cristina directly in front of my face.

"I slept on your couch," she stated. "I hope that's okay."

I bobbed my head up in down in something resembling a nod.

She steered me by the arm onto one of the kitchen stools before grabbing a broom and a dustpan from the pantry.

"I wanted a glass of water," I said, swallowing several times to combat the dryness in my mouth. "I wanted a glass of water…but it made me think of the pool…and the blood…"

Cristina swept the disembodied pieces of the pitcher into the corner. "Do you want something else? Anything? I can get stuff?"

"Tequila. I don't have any though."

She opened the fridge and surveyed it's contents. "Two percent. Orange juice. And apple juice."

"That was Richie's," I whispered, referring to the apple juice. "He wouldn't eat in the morning without it."

She closed her hand around the neck of the bottle. "Do you want me to get rid of it?"

"No…I'll drink some."

After pouring two glasses of apple juice and carrying them back to the bar, Cristina settled in on the stool next to me in silence. There was a crayon drawing on the fridge, done by Richie, of what appeared to be our family. I stared it for several minutes, trying to believe that my precious little boy who'd drawn it would come down the stairs any minute.

"Cristina?"

"Yeah?"

"How…" My voice trailed off when I couldn't find the right words to finish.

Cristina finished the last of her juice and put the glass down, covering my hand with hers. "How what, Mer?"

"How…" I tried again, "do I plan a funeral for my son?"

I had never in the time I'd known her hear my best friend stay silent, but she was then. After several minutes, she answered, "Not today, Meredith. You don't need to do everything today."

OoooooooooooooooooooooO

Addison locked her hand in Alex's as they walked up the driveway. "I can't imagine this," she said, "what they must be feeling. I mean…I don't even know what to say. And I always know what to say."

Alex flashed her a halfhearted smile.

"I know, I'm rambling, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he responded, reaching out to ring the doorbell.

Cristina answered the door. "Did you bring food? 'Cause they could use food. And tequila. Tequila would be good."

Addison held up the travel warmer with her casserole dish inside. "Isn't that what people do? They bring food?"

"That's what you do," Alex interjected, taking the warmer and heading into the kitchen.

I was folded up on the couch by the crackling fireplace with several photo albums spread out before me. As the conversation went on around me, I was dimly aware of my friend's movements, but much more interested in the pictures.

"I can't get her to put away the pictures," I heard Cristina say to Addison. "Derek left for the hospital a couple hours ago, he said he just needed to get out of here for a little bit, and she's been sitting there ever since."

"Where's Derek?" Alex asked, coming back to put his arms around Addison's waist.

"He went to the hospital," Cristina replied. "Said he had patients to check on that couldn't wait."

"I'm going to go check on him," Alex said, fishing in his pocket for the car keys. "Is it okay if I leave you here for a little bit, Addie?"

She nodded, crossing the room to my couch area. "Hey, Mer," she said, kneeling on the floor to look at the album in my lap. "What are you doing?"

"Pictures," I mumbled, as though it should have been obvious. "I need…I want to find the best ones. When people die…at funerals…there's pictures."

"Okay," Addison answered, moving some of the photo albums from one side of the couch so that she could sit beside me. "Can I help?"

I nodded, sliding the book currently in my lap over slightly so that she could see. I could hear Cristina buzzing around in the kitchen, putting things away. Food had been coming all morning, most of it from people that I didn't even know. _Why they bring food…is totally beyond me. Food won't make it better._

"How about this one?" Addison asked, pointing. "This one's good."

I peeled back the plastic, sliding the photo out. "This was just a couple months ago," I whispered. "At the zoo." There was a blurry image of a giraffe in the background, and I pointed it out. "He liked the giraffes. Wanted his picture taken there, like, fifty times."

"So this is a good one," she affirmed, setting it aside on the coffee table.

The house bustled around us as we picked out several more photographs. Izzie showed up, and asked if I wanted cupcakes. She was already in the kitchen baking before I could tell her no. Addison and I went through every single photo in every album, coming up with a very nice selection.

"Meredith?" she asked. "I was thinking…I could help. With the funeral. Anything you need."

"Okay," I answered, my eyes finding tears again at the sight of hers. "Just…no more today, I can't…"

Tears spilled down my cheeks, dripping onto the last photo album. Addison pulled the book out of my lap and drew me into her arms, trying to hold me together there and carry some of the pain.


	6. Never A Right Thing To Say

Derek absentmindedly traced the edges of his car keys, trying to think of any excuse possible to not return home. _It's just not…right. She hates me now. Even if she doesn't say it, I know it's true. _he thought. _I would hate me._

"Hey man," Alex said, sitting down on the bench next to Derek. "Why are you sitting outside?"

"Because I didn't have any patients that couldn't have waited until tomorrow," he answered, dropping his car keys into his lap. "Because I don't know…I don't know how to go home."

"Okay," Alex said, sitting with his mouth shut beside his best friend in the silently agreed upon quiet.

OoooooooooooooooooO

I was no better after a few hours of sleep. I had thought that maybe I would feel different, but I didn't. I trudged down the hall, and hearing my friends in the living room, settled at the top of the stairs.

"What's the right thing to say to her?" Izzie asked.

"I don't even know. I was just trying to follow her cues," Cristina answered. "I was afraid of putting my foot in mouth, you know?"

"Yeah…Did you want to go home and get some sleep?"

"Nah," Cristina hesitated, "I want to be here when she wakes up."

"You work tomorrow. I don't. I can hang, Cristina, I want to," Izzie insisted.

"Okay," she agreed.

I could hear her gathering her purse and keys, and I hung back in the shadows.

"I'll see you later, Iz. Take care of her. Call me if you need anything. Call me if Derek doesn't come back, I'll kill him myself."

The front door opened and shut, and Izzie came around the corner to come up the stairs. "Hey, Mer," she said, seeing me at the top.

"Hey," I answered.

"You coming down?"

"Thinking about it," I said, using the railing to pull myself to my feet. "It still feels weird."

"What does?" she asked, following me into the living room.

"He's not here, Iz. He's not here, and he won't be here, ever. He's really not coming back." I noticed that the stack of pictures Addison and I had carefully selected was still on the table, but the photo albums were all put away.

"It's only been a day, Mer. It's still new. I mean…it's going to take time, I…"

"I don't think I'll ever used to it. It doesn't feel that way."

Izzie looked at me sadly, blinking rapidly as she tried to figure out what to say.

"I pray you never lose Doug," I whispered. "I wouldn't want anyone I loved to ever feel this way."

She handed me a kleenex and I wiped the tears I hadn't even realized were falling off my cheeks.

"If it's okay with you…" I said, "I just want to sit here and watch the fire for a while."

Derek came home an hour or so later, shortly after Izzie had fallen asleep. He went into the kitchen without a word, going straight to the fridge before he noticed the crayon drawing that still hung on it. As I came into the kitchen behind him, I saw him very gently peel the tape off of the fridge and place the picture on the counter.

"We should talk about stuff, Mer," he said without turning around.

I sat down on one of the stools, staring at the back of his head.

"When…" Derek stuttered, "when do you want to have the funeral? If we do it on Friday…a lot of people from Seattle Grace want to come, I think."

"Whenever…Whenever we have it, it won't be any easier. I'm still going to wish he was here."

"Me too…" Derek replied.

"I'm…scared, Derek. I don't know how to do this." I rested my chin on my folded arms on the breakfast bar. "I can't…"

"One minute at a time, Mer. One minute at a time, one day at a time. We…we have to be okay…"

"Okay…" I repeated, rolling the word around on my tongue. Okay was so foreign a concept now; it seemed impossible that I would ever be okay again when I was so distant from everything in the world.

OooooooooooooooooooO

Another day passed in a blur of faces and words that my mind was too far behind to process. Addison and I were at the dining room table with several brochures and pieces of paper spread out in front of us.

"This is the stuff I found. I mean…if you want flowers," she slid one particular brochure towards me.

I shook my head and pushed the brochure back to her. "You pick."

"Okay," she said. "Derek and I already found some people to do food for after, so…"

My stomach turned over, knowing what the one thing was she hadn't shown me.

"There's still…I mean…"

I slid the pamphlet out from under the palm of her hand. "How do I pick a coffin?" I whispered. I stared down at the pictures. She had only brought me the pictures of the child sized coffins. _It seems so perverse…to have coffins sized for children. Children shouldn't die…children should never die._

"I…I'm not sure, Mer. I don't know. Whatever you think would be…best?" Addison answered carefully.

"Nothing would be best. Nothing would be right. I…He shouldn't be…He shouldn't be gone…He…"

I pushed my chair back from the table and ran into the bathroom right off the entry hall, barely making over the toilet before I was heaving into the basin. My fingers clutched at the porcelain seat as I was repeatedly, violently ill. Every thought that flashed through my head reminded me of my son and brought another wave of nausea, and I was afraid to pull away. There was nothing inside me to come up anymore.

I collapsed against the wall next to the toilet, my face streaked with a mixture of tears and sweat. Addison knelt on the floor in front of me, wiping the sweat off my brow with a damp towel. "I'm sorry, Mer. I didn't…"

"It's okay…it's not your fault," I mumbled.

"I wish that I knew how to make this better for you, sweetie, I wish there was something I could do." She dropped into a sitting position in front of me, taking both of my hands.

I kept my head down, afraid that I was going to be sick again.

"I wish that I could take away the pain, Mer, but I can't, and…I…I'm here, honey, whatever you need."

Addison was crying, and I was crying. Pretty much all we did in my house anymore was cry. I didn't know how long it would be before that stopped.

"Addison?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you help me upstairs so I can lay down?"

"Okay," she answered.

Addison stood up and offered me her arm. I leaned into her, and she supported me all the way up the stairs before tucking me into my bed.

"The rest of the stuff…It's too much…I…" my voice cut off and I wasn't sure how to continue.

"I'll take care of it, Mer. Anything you need."

I nodded.

"Anything you need," she repeated, taking my hand. "I'll be here."


	7. Turn My Grief To Grace

There was absolutely nothing in my closet suitable to wear to my son's funeral. Not one thing. Derek came up behind me and laid a hand on my elbow. "Mer, you have to get dressed, we have to go to the church."

I shook my head. "I can't…I can't go."

He drew away from me, a frown creasing across his face. "What do you mean, you can't go? You…"

"Nothing is right…I don't have anything that's right," I said, gesturing to the closet.

Derek reached around me, pulling out a pants suit. "There's this."

"No," I whispered. "Not that one."

He rolled his eyes, so slightly that I almost missed it. Throwing the pants suit onto the bed, he pulled out a dress. "There's this one," he said angrily, throwing that across the bed as well. "Or this one. Or this one. Or this one." He threw outfit on top of outfit over the bed as I burst into tears. "Any of these, any, Mer, just pick one." Derek threw up his hands in exasperation.

I sank down to the carpet. "Just…go…without me," I sobbed, praying with every fiber of my being that he wouldn't listen.

As Derek stormed out of the room, I curled into myself as the sobs wracked my body. Reaching up onto the bed, I whipped the discarded clothing across the room with everything I had.

There was a knock on the door, and Cristina slipped inside to become the recipient of one of my flying dresses.

"Meredith? What happened?"

I shook my head, crying too hard to answer.

"Come here," she said, pulling me up off the floor and onto the bed. "Talk to me."

"Derek's…gone," I bawled. "I…I didn't know what to wear…to…"

She squeezed my hand and walked over to the closet, selected the perfect outfit within seconds. "This one, Mer. This is perfect."

I nodded, my crying coming under control as I took several deep breaths.

"Let me help you get it on. We have to get to the church."

I obediently held my arms up and let her dress me.

OoooooooooooooooO

Cristina kept a firm grip on my elbow as she steered me up the steps and into the church. Several people tried to talk to me, to reach out, but something in her gaze must have drawn them to a halt.

Addison had done a beautiful job with everything. There were beautiful flower arrangements lining the pews, and a book of condolences at the church entrance. Derek was sitting in the front pew, and Cristina led me up the aisle towards him. I kept my eyes on my feet, trying to avoid looking at the tiny coffin that lay ahead. The farther down the aisle I got, the harder it was to breathe.

Cristina sat down with me in the pew, right next to Derek. She kept a grip on my left hand. Izzie, George, Addison, and Alex were seated in the pew directly behind us, and Izzie leaned forward to squeeze my shoulder. I glanced at Derek, but he wouldn't meet my eye. I wanted to reach out to him, but I wasn't sure whether I could or not.

It was right then, as Izzie's hand left my shoulder, that I chose to glance up. _Oh my god, _I thought, taking in the coffin. _Oh my god…_ All of the air rushed out of my lungs at once, and I started to cough, struggling to catch my breath.

"Mer, are you okay?" Cristina's grip on my hand tightened. "Mer?" She looked past me to Derek to see if he would move for me, but he didn't. Instead, he got up and walked down the aisle, directly out the doors.

My breath came in short gasps as I looked after him, watching as he disappeared, and I felt my teeth start to go numb from lack of air.

"Meredith? Meredith?" Cristina reached across my body with her other hand and tried to turn me to face her. "You have to breathe, honey, come on."

Izzie and Addison had come around the pew. Izzie knelt in front of me and Addison sat on my other side.

"She's not getting any air," Cristina said frantically, "she's going to pass out if we can't get her to breathe."

Izzie was rubbing my knees in a manic circular motion. "It's okay, Mer, it's okay."

I clawed at my throat, ripping off the tiny cross necklace that I was wearing in an effort to get more air. In the back of my panic, I was dimly aware that people around us were starting to become alarmed.

"Meredith? You have to breathe for us, sweetie. Deep breathes. You can do this." Cristina squeezed my hand so hard that the little circulation I had left disappeared.

Addison reached out and pulled my face into her shoulder, whispering into my ear, "You don't have to look at it anymore, Meredith, don't look." Addison seemed to know precisely what had set me off.

I focused on the fabric of her sweater, the darkness that awarded my current vantage point.

"Deep breathes, Mer, focus on my voice, okay?" Addison rubbed deep circles into my back, trying to get me to calm down. "You can do this, Mer, you're okay, you're okay. Focus on me. Don't look, don't look at it, just focus on me."

My breathing slowly came back to normal, and I was able to sit up again, keeping my eyes on Addison instead of the front.

"That a girl. You're okay. We're right here," Addison said.

I started to cough, and Izzie produced a miraculous bottle of water from the depths of her purse. I screwed the cap off and took a grateful sip.

I looked around the church, everywhere and anywhere but the front. When the funeral began, Derek was nowhere to be found.


	8. Mirrored Guilt

"I knew you'd be here," Addison said, quietly settling on the bench next to Derek.

"I have a thing for ferryboats," he replied.

"Not since Meredith almost drowned. You haven't been on a ferryboat in over six years," she pointed out.

"It makes me think…about things…about Meredith."

"Ah." Addison settled back against the bench, content to wait for him in silence until he was ready to speak again.

It didn't take long. "I was in the pool, Addie. I was in the pool."

"And she wasn't. What difference does it make? There's nothing either of you could have done."

Derek stared out over the water, watching the waves break. "I'm afraid of what she'll say…I should have been stronger. I know you think I'm a horrible person."

"I don't," Addison responded instantly.

"When Meredith almost drowned…It was because she didn't swim. She didn't try. To this day…I know that. And I told her…"

"Told her what?" Addison prodded gently.

"I told her…that I couldn't carry her anymore. That I wanted to be with her, but sometimes…she would have to swim on her own. We pretty much broke up then, Addie."

"I remember."

"And…I'm a hypocrite. I'm trying so hard to hold it together for her, Addie, but I can't. I can't…be as strong as I want to be. And maybe I need her to pull it together a little, to be a little bit stronger than me…maybe I need too much…I don't even know…" His voice trailed off, lost.

"Maybe you can both need each other and neither one of you needs to be strong," Addison pointed out, squeezing his hand.

"None of this makes any sense. It's still so unreal."

"That's normal, Derek. You lost a child, nobody expects either of you to be okay, and neither one of you should expect that of the other."

"I know…I'm just really confused right now. I'm trying to…process." Derek ran a hand though his hair in frustration.

"Marriage is a lifetime commitment," Addison whispered. "My wedding ring is under this very water…You and I didn't work out, we were missing something vital, and…I've seen the way you look at her, Derek, and I know that you love her. I know your marriage can survive this, can survive anything. You can't run away, Derek, because I know that she means too much to you for that. So go home. Go home."

The two of them stared out over the water in silence as the ferryboat approached the dock.

OooooooooooooooO

Izzie sat across from me on the back patio, holding Doug in her lap. It stabbed me in my core to look at him. It was very hard for me to differentiate between her living, breathing child and my child that would never be coming home. Izzie seemed to notice me struggling, and she shooed Doug back into the house.

"Mer? He'll be back," she reassured me.

"I know," I whispered. "One way or the other."

"What do you mean, one way or the other?" Izzie questioned.

"I…I feel like I…I'm not strong, Izzie, not at all. I don't think I'm ever going to be okay with this."

"It takes time," Izzie replied. "It takes time. And maybe…Maybe, Mer, both of you can need each other, both of you can be there for each other…and neither one of you has to be the strong one?"

"I'm trying not to blame him, Iz. I don't want to blame him. But it just feels so…wrong. Everything…"

"And it will, Meredith, maybe it will always feel wrong, but maybe it will be a little less as time goes on?"

I shook my head. "It doesn't feel that way now. I just wish that we could go back to the way things were. I wish that Derek was here with me, and he's not…I wish that Richie was here, and…he won't ever be…"

Izzie reached out and squeezed my hand over the glass table, as Doug called to her from inside the house. "Mom! Mommy! Come here, quick!" She smiled at me apologetically. "I'll be right back," she said, pushing her chair out from the table and disappearing in the screen door.

I looked around the backyard, and everything in sight reminded me of my son. At the very back of the yard, closest to the fence, was the swing set that Derek had put only a few months ago. It had the little baby swing on it, the kind where a toddler could stick there legs through the bottom and be fully supported. If I concentrated hard enough, I could almost see Richie there. He was swinging back and forth, his little fists waving in the air…the same way that they had in the pool that day.

_The pool…_I thought. _The pool…that day…I wasn't in the pool._

That thought snapped me back from my reverie, and my vision of Richie disappeared.


	9. You Can Never Go Home Again

I sat on the floor in front of the television, the remote gripped tightly in my hand as I studied my son flickering across the screen. The movie was from almost exactly a year ago, when Doug and Richie had had their joint birthday party. Almost all of my friends were there—Izzie, George and I were with Doug and Richie in the midst of a giant present pile. Cristina was off to one side, in the action, yet removed from it. Addison and Alex had just become official shortly before the party, and she was sitting in his lap. Derek was behind the camera, envisioning himself as a future movie director. We were together. We were happy.

The front door open and shut gently behind me, but I was engrossed in the movie. I was so involved, in fact, that it was almost startling when Derek settled on the floor beside me. I hit the pause button, freezing the picture on a close up of Richie throwing fistfuls of wrapping paper into the air.

"I remember that," Derek whispered. "He was more interested in the wrapping paper and the empty boxes than the actual presents."

"He was weird that way," I replied, reaching out to trace the lines of his face on the screen. "You weren't at the funeral," I added, my palm flat against the screen.

Derek reached out and put his palm over mine, lacing our fingers. "I was on the ferry."

"Oh," I frowned, pulling my hand away from his.

"I was thinking," he quickly clarified. "About things."

"Oh," I repeated, wringing my hands in my lap. "I…"

"I was in the pool, Mer. I was in the pool."

"I wasn't," I countered quietly.

"Maybe part of me is looking for something, someone to blame…" Derek's voice trailed off as he stared absently at the screen.

"And you blame me?"

He shook his head. "Not consciously. Not on purpose."

"I understand…" I whispered. "Sometimes…it feels like…I don't know…I'll catch myself thinking that you were in the pool, that there must have been something…but then I'll remember that I wasn't in the pool, and I should have been…if that makes sense."

"Nothing makes sense, Mer, none of this. I want so much to go back to the way things were, but…I can't. I find myself wanting to blame anything, and I'll wonder what would have happened if you were in there too…but then I remember that it's my fault, not yours."

"It's no one's fault, Derek. Not really. It was an accident, a horrible, freak, accident."

"When you were in the water…after the ferryboat…When you almost died…I told you that I couldn't carry you anymore," Derek said. "Do you remember?"

I nodded.

"I'm a little confused right now…I sort of feel like Richie was the glue that was holding us together…and now…"

I focused on every little detail of my lap, trying to stop myself from crying. "Are we going to be okay, Derek?" I asked, voicing the question that neither of us had wanted to say.

"I'm not sure yet…I'm not sure of anything."

"He was my whole world," I answered. "He, and this family, were my whole world. And now…"

"He's gone," Derek said simply.

"He's gone," I confirmed.

Derek picked up the remote from where I had left it on the floor, hitting the play button. I suddenly found myself full of adrenaline, so much that I couldn't sit still anymore. I grabbed my sweatshirt off the couch and said to Derek, "I'm going to go for a run, okay?"

He barely acknowledged me as I let myself out the front door.

The rain that was falling was light and misty, almost more a spray than a direct downpour. I splashed through the puddles, one foot in front of another. Every feeling inside of my body was slowly turning off. I ran, faster than I had ever run, straight out of my neighborhood and down the streets of Seattle.

I fled to the confines of the park, finding myself on a bench in front of Richie's favorite playground. I pulled my cell phone out of my pants pocket, fumbling for a number on the speed dial.

Izzie answered after two rings. "Hey, Mer."

I opened my mouth to answer, but nothing would come out. The light mist slowly turned into fat droplets as I struggled to find the right words.

"Mer? Are you okay?"

I let the sobs that I had been running away from catch up with me.

"Meredith? Where are you?"

"The…park. Richie's park," I managed to choke out.

"I going to come and get you, Mer, okay? I'm coming. Just don't go anywhere."

I nodded, even though she couldn't see me through the phone. I could hear the sound of her digging out her keys, and of the door slamming as she ran through the rain and into her car. The cell phone slipped out of my hand and scattered across the cement under the bench, falling into sudden silence.

My hair and my clothes were totally soaked as the rain increased in power, but it didn't bother me. My tears were lost as the rain ran down my face in rivulets, everything blending together.

Izzie's giant black SVU pulled into the parking lot, it's headlights blazing a trail across the park towards my bench. She threw open the door and ran to me, completely disregarding the rain as she became as soaked as I was. "Mer, you're soaked. Come get in the car, I'll take you home."

I shook my head furiously. "No, I can't go home. There's nothing there anymore, he's gone…he's gone…"

"Mer, come get in the car where it's warm, please?"

Izzie took my hand, and I let her lead me back to the SUV without fighting. She turned the heater on full blast, and I leaned into the rush as puddles of water formed on the floor and seat behind me.

"What do you want me to do?" she whispered.

"I don't know…" I replied. "I…I just didn't want to feel alone anymore."

"You aren't…"

"I'm losing my husband, Izzie. I've lost my son, and I'm losing my husband…and I love him so much…My family is gone, I don't know what to do anymore…I don't think…I don't think I can fix it."

"Do you want…to come to my house for a while?" she offered.

I nodded, and leaned in even closer to the heat vents.

"It'll be okay, Mer. Not right away, but it'll be okay."

I stared away from her, out the passenger window. The torrent of rain slammed the sides of the vehicle as we drove away from the park, and I suddenly knew that I would never be warm again.


	10. The Bottom of the Bottle

Izzie went to the linen closet in the hall, pulling out a couple of towels. "Here," she said, tossing one to me. I flipped my head upside down to rub my hair dry as Izzie disappeared down the hall. "I have some extra sweatshirts and stuff," she called back. "We're about the same size, I think, something will fit you."

I trailed aimlessly after her, accepting the dry clothing she offered and disappearing into the bathroom to change. I pulled off my dripping Dartmouth sweatshirt and pulled Izzie's shirt over my head, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I did so. Glancing at the stranger reflected in the glass, it was hard to associate her with myself. Stringy, dripping hair…bloodshot eyes…I couldn't see any traces of myself left inside anymore.

"Mer?" Izzie knocked on the door. "Are you all right?"

I hung my sopping shirt over the towel bar in the shower and slowly opened the door. "Yeah, I'm okay," I whispered.

"I'm going to make some hot tea. You want some?"

I found myself following after her again without saying a word.

"George and Doug went to see a movie," she said to no one in particular. "We're by ourselves for a little while anyway." As she opened the door to the pantry above the fridge and pulled out the tea, I caught flashes of some colorful boxes within.

"Birthday presents?" I questioned as the door drifted shut.

Izzie nodded over her shoulder, filling the pot with water and placing it on the stove. "I have to hide them up there so Doug doesn't find them," she answered, before clapping a hand over her mouth. "God, Mer, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I replied.

"I didn't mean…"

I cut her off. "Iz, really. It's fine."

We sat down at the kitchen table as we waited for the water to boil. "I don't…" Izzie started, "I…You don't have to come."

"To the party? I want to."

"Oh. Okay."

The teapot started to whistle, and she pulled the water off the stove. The tea bags soaked in the water, and we remained silent for several minutes while we drank our tea. I set the mug down on the table and looked out the window to watch the storm.

"I want to be there, Mer, for you, I mean. I…I'm just not sure how to do that."

I picked at the skin around my thumbnail, peeling back so hard that it started to bleed.

Izzie went over to the counter and came back with a piece of paper. "I picked this up for you," she said, pushing it across the table. "It's a support group, for parents who have…" Her voice trailed off, her eyes indicating she was unsure if she should continue.

"Lost children?" I finished for her.

She nodded. "I thought…I don't know. It's just…I want so badly to help, but I'm not always sure what to say. And I do the best I can…but I thought…Maybe other parents who have been through it, maybe, that might be good?"

I folded the piece of paper in half again and again until it fit in the cup of my palm. "I'll think about it," I answered, even though I had no intention of doing so.

The smile she gave me in return told me she knew I wouldn't go.

OoooooooooooooO

My house was dark when Izzie pulled into the driveway. "Do you want me to stay?" she asked.

I sighed deeply, unbuckling my seatbelt. "Nah, I'll be okay, Iz."

I opened the car door and ran up the driveway and into the house before she could say anything else. All of the lights were off; everything was off, except for the television in the living room. The screen flickered up and down with the white lines of static from not having a signal. I hit the button on the bottom of the monitor to turn the screen to black, and went into the kitchen.

I pulled out the bottle of tequila, and poured myself a big enough glass that I was guaranteed to burn my throat. Draining the glass far too quickly to meet my needs, I grabbed the bottle and moved slowly through the house, turning on the necessary lights as I went.

Taking a long swig from the bottle, I opened the hallway closet and pulled out the stockpile of birthday present. Balancing the boxes and the bottle, I staggered up the stairs and sprawled everything out on the floor in Richie's room. The wrapping was from the latest Disney movie, Richie's favorite. I peeled the tape off the boxes first, and gently removed the wrapping paper without tearing it. I pulled each toy out of it's box and lined them up on his bed, as if they were all waiting for him to return.

The tequila bottle was almost empty, and I found myself in the bathroom without really knowing how I had gotten there. I watched myself in the mirror as I drained the last of the liquid from the bottle. "How did you get here?" I whispered to my reflection. "How did this happen?"

When my reflection refused to answer, I threw the empty bottle against the wall. The glass shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces, and I sank down onto the carpet amongst the shards. Cutting myself really didn't frighten me. I picked up one of the larger shards of glass and turned it over and over in between my fingers. A tiny droplet of blood appeared as I poked the sharpest looking corner with my finger.

_I understand now what makes people want to die._ I thought, turning it rotating the shard repeatedly until tiny track lines of blood appeared across my palm. _I miss him so much…I…_My hand tightened around the piece of glass, and I wasn't sure how to stop myself.


	11. Give Me Wings

I didn't remember wrapping up my hand and driving to the hospital, but somehow I did both. I parked the car in the emergency room lot and drifted in the double doors. The pit was empty, and Cristina was leaning against the desk in search of action, tapping her pen.

"Mer?" she whispered, dropping her pen on the desk. "What happened?"

When I didn't answer, she grabbed me by my elbow and steered me into an empty cubicle. I sat down on the bed as she unwrapped the towel from my palm. Drawing the curtain around us for a small bit of privacy, she drew the suture cart closer as she sat down next to the bed. "What did you do?" she asked again.

"I…" I shook my head, giving careful thought to my words before I let them out of my mouth. "I'm not sure. I had a little too much to drink, I think."

Cristina rinsed my palm with antiseptic. "Wow, Mer, it's deep…" Concerned, she rested my palm on the tray and asked, "What, did you stick your hand in in search of the bottom of the bottle or something? Geese, Mer, I…I don't…"

"I think Derek might have left me," I interrupted, looking away from Cristina and concentrating on the floor.

"What?"

"I came home tonight and he was gone. We had a fight…about…things."

The stinging in my hand eased as Cristina numbed the area so she could start stitching. "I'm sorry," she answered simply.

I shrugged, replying, "I don't have much else to lose, right?"

"Did you do this on purpose?" She held up my injured hand.

"Not really. I don't…I was sort of…watching myself? You know what I mean?"

"No," she said bluntly.

"I couldn't stop myself from doing it. The bottle broke, and I picked up the glass…and I started to play with it."

Cristina began stitching as I kept talking.

"I kept turning it around and around, and I…" A tear slid down my cheek and splashed on the tray.

"What is it?" she whispered gently.

"I understand now why sometimes people want to die, Cristina, I really do."

Before she could reply, the curtain whipped open and the whirlwind that was Izzie was sitting on the other side of the bed. "I'm going to kill him," she snapped. "Seriously. I'm going to kill him."

"It's not Derek's fault," I mumbled. "I…It was an accident. I didn't mean to do it. It was nobody's fault."

"I shouldn't have left," Izzie said. "Are you okay?"

"She will be if you let me finish," Cristina grumbled.

"I'm sorry, Mer, I'm sorry, I should have stayed with you, I…"

I whirled on her, my hand slipping away from Cristina. "You are not helping right now, Iz, you aren't helping."

"Hold still!" Cristina ordered, grabbing on to my hand again.

"Nothing's helping…" I said under my breath.

We sat in silence as she put in the last few stitches before releasing my hand. "There," Cristina said, sliding the tray back against the wall. "It's fixed."

"If only everything could be fixed that easily," I answered.

Cristina drew me into a hug. "Can you do me a favor?" she whispered into my ear.

I nodded slowly, pulling back into a sitting position.

"I have to work, but…let Izzie come home with you tonight? Just for tonight? To…"

"Baby sit?" I broke in defensively.

"No, I…" Cristina stuttered.

"Just to be there," Izzie clarified quietly from behind me. "In case you need someone to talk to."

"I don't think you should be alone right now," Cristina added.

"Okay," I said, even though I wasn't sure if it really was.

Izzie got to her feet and helped me down from the bed. "Let's go then, before any more gossip starts."

Cristina squeezed my good hand and disappeared into the hospital depths as we headed for the parking lot. "My car is here," I pointed out.

"We'll come back for it tomorrow," she answered, moving me towards her vehicle instead.

As we crossed the parking lot, I had to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Izzie was on her cell phone telling George that she wasn't coming home, and it occurred to me that I wasn't sure when I would be talking to my husband again. I felt so light that nothing was real, and I was certain that if I tried hard enough, if I let go of everything, I could float away.

_God, please just give me wings and let me fly away from here…_


	12. It's A Start

I looked at the brochure in my hand, and then at the door to the conference room, before balling up the piece of paper and shoving it in my pocket. _I'm fine,_ I insisted to myself. _I don't need to go to some dumb support group. What can they tell me that I haven't already heard? I don't need this._

Spinning around to head back down the hallway, I ran smack into another woman who also had her eyes on the ground. Her cell phone skittered across the tile, and her purse fell off her arm as she struggled to catch it. "Hi," the woman said as we both bent down to gather the contents of her purse off the ground. "I don't remember you. This your first time?"

I nodded silently, handing her her fallen cell phone.

"I think I ran away just about that fast my first time too." Slipping around me, she opened the door to the conference room. "I'm Miley, by the way."

"Meredith."

"You should try it once," Miley said, sensing my unspoken need to streak out the front door. "You should come just once, just to see. You can always…not come back."

I followed her, hesitantly settling beside her on a couch. There was a woman in the ratty armchair across from me who was obviously the leader, seeing as she had a large sheaf of papers in her lap. Besides her, there were a couple of men and nine or ten other women.

With a glance at the clock, the leader cleared her throat. "We should probably get started." Everybody settled into seats around the room as she continued, "For those of you who haven't been here before, my name is Becky."

"Hi, Becky," the group chorused stereotypically.

"What we do here is talk about…well, anything," she shrugged. "Everybody here has lost a child."

_That should be…seriously obvious._ I thought.

"Let's just go around the room and introduce ourselves."

"I'm Miley," the woman who had befriended me outside began. "My daughter died of leukemia six months ago. I'm still working on it. I mean…I don't…I've left her room the way it was when she…passed. I don't know that I'm feeling things. I thought it would get easier…but it's…hard."

The introductions slowly worked their way around the room until it came time for me to speak. I knew what was expected of me. Staring at my feet, I mumbled, "Do I have to talk?"

"What's your name?" Becky asked.

"Meredith," I whispered.

"And why are you here, Meredith?" she prompted gently.

I picked at the skin around my fingernails, aware of all of the eyes in the room that were on me. _If I say it…he's really gone. He can't really be gone. _"My son…was killed," I answered, choosing not to elaborate any further. I reached down by my feet and grabbed my purse, rising to my feet. "I can't do this. Not yet. I should go."

I felt a hand on my arm and I turned back. "You should stay, Meredith," Miley said. "You should stay."

Pulling my arm away, I slipped out the conference room and down the hall, all the way out to the parking lot. My hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't hang on to the keys, and the clattered to the asphalt as I tried to turn the key in the lock. I leaned my back against the car, and slid down to the pavement beside the tire.

_I said it. I really said it. And by saying it…That means I'm admitting that he's gone. That as much as I go on about everything trying to hold it all together and failing…as much as I say that I'm okay…as much as I try to pretend…Richie really isn't here anymore. And I said it. That means I know it…I know it…He's really gone. He's really gone._

I looked back towards the building that I had fled, wishing I could dig inside myself for the strength to go back inside. "I went…" I whispered to no one in particular. "I went, and…it's a start."


	13. Making It Real

I flipped my head upside down and pulled my still damp hair into a ponytail. The mirror in the resident's locker room was dust coated, and I wiped my palm across it as I struggled to see my reflection. "It's been a few weeks," I said over my shoulder to Cristina. "I…should be ready for this, right?"

Pulling her scrub shirt over her head, she crossed the locker room and laid a hand on my shoulder, meeting my eyes in the mirror. "If anyone messes with you, I'll cut open their heart," she replied with a straight face. When I frowned at her, she shrugged, "Hey, it's what I do. I was going for a laugh."

I smiled faintly, absentmindedly playing with my wedding ring as I turned to face her.

"Seriously, though," Cristina continued, "Pretty much everybody here knows what happened. You and Derek are pretty known, you know."

"Aren't you supposed to be making me feel better?"

"Just pointing out that everyone is under threat of death if they even so much as think about bringing anything up to you. Or talking about you behind your back. Anything. And you know I'll make good on that."

I nodded as she steered me out of the locker room. "I have no patients. I…"

Cristina laughed. "It's Seattle. You can find some, I'm sure. Humans have accidents everyday. And then we cut them open and fix them." She rubbed her hands together evilly as we walked to the nurses station.

"Hi, Dr. Shepard-Grey," Olivia greeted me, briefly glancing up from the chart she was writing on.

The hallways around me moved faster than I remembered, and it was if I were stepping into something totally new. I nodded to Olivia as Bailey hurried by, most likely on her way to another surgery.

"You have a message," Olivia said, handing me a little pink piece of paper. On it was scribbled, _Call Becky_, with a phone number and an extension.

"I have to return this call," I said to Cristina. "I'll catch up with you later, okay?"

"Sure. Just page me," she replied.

I walked down the hall until I found the nearest empty conference room, and quietly shut myself inside. Settling into one of the rolling office chairs, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Becky?"

"Yes?"

"This is Meredith. Meredith Shepard-Grey?" I sighed, unsure of why I was even returning this phone call at all.

"Hi, Meredith! How are you?" Her voice had this peppy quality to it that felt akin to nails scratching on a chalkboard.

"I went back to work today, it's my first day back since…"

"I know," Becky interrupted. "Your friend Izzie called me. She wanted to know if you came to the group. I told her I couldn't tell her anything."

"Oh," I whispered.

"So, how are you doing?" she asked again.

I took a deep breath, propping my feet up on the chair across from me under the table. "My son is dead." The words felt weird on my tongue, making my insides go hollow. It was getting more and more real every day.

"I know."

"The last time I was here, there was a little boy on the table, and he…we did everything we could, but he died anyway. And I went home to my husband that night, and we talked about it…about how we didn't know how we could handle it if…"

"Meredith?" Becky prodded after several seconds of silence.

"My husband isn't staying at the house. My son is dead, and my husband is gone." I yanked a kleenex out of the box in the middle of the table and wiped away the tear trailing down my cheek.

"I see."

"And we both work here, and it's a little weird…because I feel like everyone's…everyone…knows? You know?"

"Returning to work after the death of a child can be really traumatic, Meredith."

I rolled my eyes, fresh tears leaking out. "Stating the obvious."

"I mean, it affects different people in different ways. Some people might bounce back right away, some people might need a little more time. It's okay to need a little more time, Meredith. It's not a bad thing."

"I just don't know how to talk to people about it," I whispered. "I mean, I know that they probably know, but…I just want to…I don't know…"

"Take a couple of days to adjust to being at work again. When you're ready, if you want to tell people, start by choosing how you want to communicate."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well…like…Okay, if you sent out an email to all of your immediate colleagues, that would answer any questions that they may have, and also save you from having to tell the story more than once. Or you could have a good friend tell the people you want told for you, and just tell them to be respectful of your wishes to not discuss it any further."

What she said made some sense. "I already have that, I think. My friends have been good to me. Too good to me sometimes, I think."

"And if you aren't ready to be there, Meredith…You can take it at your own pace. Do whatever you feel like. Full time, part time. Take it slow, do whatever feels right."

"Okay," I answered.

"And you can call me, Meredith. Any time."

We said goodbye and hung up. I sat in the chair for a long time, tracing the glowing buttons on my cell phone. Pushing the chair away from the table, I shoved the phone back into the pocket of my scrubs.

As I opened the door to the conference room, I ran head on into Derek.

"Hi," he whispered.

"Hi," I answered, unsure of what else to say.

"Can we talk?"

After a moments pause, I nodded, and we retreated back into the conference room.


	14. How to Say Goodbye

Derek and I stared into each other's eyes across the conference room table.

"It was my fault," he whispered, so quiet that I could barely hear him.

"What?" I frowned.

"We both know it was my fault," he repeated, pulling the pen out of his lab coat pocket and twirling it between his fingers. "I was in the pool."

"Derek…"

"I was in the pool, and I should have been watching closer. I was right there. I should have seen him sooner, and I didn't…and I'm sorry, Mer. I'm sorry. For everything."

I made no move to wipe the tears that trailed down my cheeks. "You didn't do anything wrong. For God's sake, Derek, I was sleeping. I was sleeping." I traced the swirls of the table's wood as I added, "I do wonder, though, whether things would have been different if I had been in the pool."

"Me too," Derek admitted. "It's not your fault, Mer, it's not…" his voice cracked as he said, "my fault…but it doesn't…Every time I'm around you…"

"You see him?" I finished.

Derek nodded.

I reached across the table to take his hand, tears dripping down so fast and thick that I could hardly see. "I just…"

"What?" he prompted.

"I…It seemed like you weren't as upset…"

"You couldn't deal with that," Derek interrupted. "I had no choice, it felt like…I had to be strong for you, and when I couldn't be…"

"You left me," I said, once again finishing his sentence.

"I left you," he nodded. "You are part of me, Mer, you are my other half, and I know it sounds cheesy, but…I don't know…"

"I thought I couldn't exist in a world that Richie wasn't in," I murmured. "And maybe I can't…but I know that I will never make it in a world where you and I aren't together. I can't get through this without you."

"I…"

"Can we go home together? Derek, I…" I let my unspoken words float in the air.

"I miss you too."

OooooooooooooooooO

_"Present!" Richie squealed. "What is it, Mommy? What is it?" He grabbed the last box off of the table and pulled it down to the floor._

_Purple and blue shreds of wrapping paper littered the floor as I settled into Derek's arms and let his arms wrap around me. Doug was on the floor next to Richie, playing with the giant yellow dump truck that he had gotten for his own birthday. Izzie and George smiled at the kids as Richie finally unsheathed his present. "Ooh, car!!!"_

_Doug and Richie promptly got to the business of smashing their respective vehicles against one another's as Izzie said, "This is the life, isn't it, Mer? It's an awesome thing."_

_Derek squeezed my hand as I answered, "This is what we're doing it for...this is what we work for every day."_

I reached for the remote control in my lap and hit the pause button, framing it on a still of my son with his left hand enclosed lovingly around his racecar.

"He loved that car," Derek noted, perching on the arm of the couch and taking my free hand.

"I opened all his birthday presents. I just…"

"It's okay."

"His birthday is tomorrow…or…was…"

Derek slid off the arm of the couch and settled in next to me. He hung his arm around my shoulders, and pulled me into his chest. "Meredith…I miss him too."

"I…I put all of the toys on his bed…" My voice rose in pitch with desperation as I continued, "I…I thought he was coming back. But he isn't, Derek. He isn't."

I pulled out from under Derek's arm and took him by the hand, leading him up the stairs into Richie's bedroom and the line of toys.

"He isn't coming back, Mer," Derek whispered, wrapping his arms around me from behind.

"I know," I answered. "I know." I reached out and grabbed the brown bear, pulling it to my chest and sinking to the floor. "I have to figure out how to say goodbye."


	15. You Can't Replace Him

"You didn't have to do this, Meredith," Izzie whispered as I set the brightly wrapped box on the kitchen table.

I let my gaze drift out the window as she wrapped an arm around my shoulders, unable to dig inside myself to hug her back. "It's still Doug's birthday, Iz." The happy shouts of children drifted in through the open screen door.

"Yeah. I…I'm sorry," Izzie stumbled, obviously having no idea what else to say. And that was actually okay. I didn't need people to say anything at all anymore.

"It's okay, Iz. Really."

She smiled halfheartedly. "Where's Derek? Is he coming?"

"Maybe later. He's got patients."

"Listen, Mer, I have to tell…"

"Hi guys!" Alex said, coming in the side door with Addison close behind. Placing another present on top of the pile, he said, "So where's this party?" Izzie pointed out the door to the backyard, and Alex silently excused himself.

Addison remained behind, leaning on the counter. "How are you doing?" she asked.

I sank down onto one of the pine chairs as I sighed, "I wish people would stop asking me that. It's Richie's…I mean…it would have been…"

"Mer, I," Addison dropped to one knee and tried to take my hand, but I flicked her off.

"Don't."

Her cheeks flaming, Addison shot back to her feet.

"It would be Richie's birthday. It would be…It always would be. But I need to be here. I need to be here."

As they both stared at me, I kept repeating that phrase over again in my head. _I need to be here. I need to be here._ I figured if I kept saying it, it would keep me from bolting out of the chair.

"Okay," she said, backing off.

Cristina appeared out of nowhere, dropping into the chair next to mine. She handed Izzie a card. "I suck at presents. I got a gift card for Toys 'r' Us."

Izzie laughed. "Every little bit helps. He can pick his own."

Addison and Izzie took the other chairs at the table and Izzie poured glasses of water to pass around. I let my gaze drift again as Addison said, "I think Alex is going to ask me to marry him."

My head snapped back to the conversation as Izzie said, "Whoa, Addie, oh my gosh! You're going to say yes, right?"

She looked down at the table, trailing a finger through the water ring around her glass. "I don't know yet…I mean…"

"What's there to think about?" Cristina broke in. "Addie, he loves you. You shouldn't take a chance on losing that."

I raised an eyebrow. "You of all people, Cristina?"

"I learned a thing or two over the years."

"I can't have kids. I'm worried about talking about that with him, you know? I don't even know if he wants them."

My heart stung again at the mention of kids, but I was so happy to be participating in a normal conversation, I was afraid to ruin it. "He loves you, Addie, he loves you for you. I don't think any of that will matter to him as long as you're together."

"What if it matters to me?" she replied.

Cristina set her empty glass on the table. "Get over it."

Addison shook her head, frowning.

"I loved Burke. It just took me too long to figure that out. You love Alex…don't make that mistake, okay? Promise?"

Addison nodded slowly, taking a long sip of water.

Izzie got up and went to the window, looking out on the kids in the backyard. "George and I are having another baby."

I literally felt the breath rush out of me in one fluid motion, and I pulled my hands under the table as they started to shake.

Addison and Cristina looked from me to Izzie, and back again. Nobody seemed sure of what to say.

"I wanted to say something earlier, but…"

"It's okay, Iz," I said, reaching out to take her hand as I willed my own to stop quivering. "I'm okay."

I stood up, grabbing my coat from the heap on the couch. "I've got to take off. I'll see you guys later, okay?"

"Mer…" Izzie said, getting to her feet.

"No, Iz, it's okay. I have patients and stuff. I've got to go. I'll try and pop back in later for cake."

I pulled my keys out of my pocket and disappeared out the door.

OooooooooooooooooO

Derek was in his office, bent over a chart with his pen in hand. I sat down at the chair across from him, waiting until he was done writing.

"Hey," he said, smiling as his eyes met mine.

"Hey," I whispered.

"What's up?"

"I went to Doug's party. Maybe I shouldn't have. I don't know."

"What happened?" he asked gently, coming around the desk to sit beside me.

"Izzie's pregnant, Derek."

"Oh."

"Yeah," I shook my head. "I felt really bad, Derek. I mean…she told us that, and I…I didn't know what to say. I…"

"I don't think anyone expected you to say anything, Mer. It's okay."

"No, it's not," I shook my head. "I just want to be normal, I want…"

"Mer,"

"I want to have another baby," I interrupted.

My words hung in the silence between us for several minutes before Derek answered quietly, "You can't replace him. You can never replace him."

"I know," I answered.

Derek went back around the desk to his chart, signaling without words that the conversation was over.


	16. Breathe In, Breathe Out

I ran smack into Addison as I went out the front doors of the hospital. "Mer," she cried, reaching out to grab my arm as I tried to brush by. "Slow down. Wait a sec."

"Addie, I just want to go home, okay, I just…"

She grabbed my arm tighter as I tried to pull out of her grasp, and steered me on to a nearby bench. "Sit. Just for a minute."

I rocked back and forth on the bench, jiggling my right leg up and down to an unheard beat.

Addison gently laid a hand on top of my knee, settling my leg back against the bench. "Mer…" she whispered, "it's okay to be upset."

I shook my head. "I'm fine. I just want to go home."

"Izzie understands, Meredith, she knows how hard it is for you. And it's okay for it to be hard, it's okay for you to be sad, to feel…"

"Jealous?" I finished, tracing my toe along the ground.

"Yeah."

We sat in silence as Addison waited for me to figure out what to say. "I am jealous."

"Understandably."

"It's Richie's birthday. I mean…it…was…"

I didn't realize I was crying until Addison reached into her purse and gave me a Kleenex from her pocket. "It always will be."

"I know," I sobbed. "It's just so hard…I…"

Addison wrapped her arm around my shoulders and I leaned my head against her as I cried.

"Mer…it's okay that's it's hard. I promise, Izzie gets it. She knows you're happy for her in your own way, but she knows that you're sad too. And it's okay. It's okay to be all those things, it's okay to feel all those things. It's normal."

"What's normal?" I laughed, wiping the tears off of my face. "This isn't normal. It's not normal that I should be here while Richie is gone."

"I know, sweetie,"

"Addison," I said, sitting up suddenly. "I want to have another baby."

"Oh," she said. "Are you…are you sure that's a good idea? So soon. I mean, I know you're hurting, but…"

I pushed a chunk of hair behind my ear as I answered, "Yes, I'm sure. I…I'm a mom. I was Richie's mom…and I love him with all of my heart. And I know I can't replace him, I know it's going to be seriously scary, that I'm going to be scared out of my mind…but…I'm…"

"A mom," she said, completing my sentence. "I get that need. I really do, Mer. I'm just worried for you."

"Derek…I don't think he wants to."

Addison wrung her hands together. "He might not be ready. It's a huge thing, a huge step, and…it's…"

"Too soon…?"

She nodded.

"Maybe not right away…but I want to have another child."

"Talk to him," Addison said quietly. "Tell him how you feel about being a mom…set a time when…you both think it might be okay."

Derek came out the hospital door, his briefcase in one hand and his coat over the other. "Addie," he nodded. To me he said, "We should go home. Talk."

Addison squeezed my hand. "Go," she mouthed.

"Okay," I answered Derek. "Let's go home."


	17. It Won't Be Easy

"It hasn't been that long, Meredith."

I turned down the comforter and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I know," I whispered.

"You and I just starting to get back on our feet. We can't replace him, you know that." Derek came out of the bathroom, towel drying his hair.

"I know."

"A new baby can't fix the holes, can't fix the parts of us that are broken." He dropped the towel on the floor in the doorway, running his fingers through his hair. "Nothing can."

"Derek, I know." I turned away from him as he sat on the edge of the bed, willing the tears forming behind my eyes not to fall. "I know," I repeated.

"Mer…" he said, letting his voice trail off gently. "We're barely making it now. I don't know…I don't know…if I could go through this again."

"Who says that we would have to?" Derek's hand caressed my knee as my tears began to leak out. "I…I…"

I buried my face in Derek's chest as I began to sob. He rocked me back and forth as the tears wracked my entire body, and I could tell by the way his voice broke as he was trying to quiet me that he was crying too.

"I don't want to replace him, Derek," I bawled. "I'm not trying to replace him, I could never replace him. But I feel…I need…" The sobs overtook me again before I could spit out the entire sentence.

"I know, Mer, it's okay, ssshhh…." He rubbed the hand that was tight around me in circles on my back. "It's okay, Mer, it's going to be okay."

"I want to have a baby, Derek, I want to be a mom, I don't know how to be anything else." I pulled away from him and took a kleenex off the nightstand, rubbing furiously at my eyes. "I miss him so much…"

"So do I," Derek answered, wiping away his own tears. "But how do we take care of a new baby when our hearts our breaking inside? It hasn't been that long, Mer, it hasn't been long at all."

"I have love in my heart," I mumbled as I slipped under the covers. "I have love, and I need a child to give it to. I have to, Derek."

Shutting off the light, Derek slipped under the covers beside me, drawing me into his arms. "Okay," he whispered. "Okay."

OooooooooooooooO

"What does your group leader say about this?" Izzie asked me the next day over lunch.

"I haven't talked to her yet. I have group tonight though. Derek's going to try to come with me if he doesn't have patients."

Cristina raised an eyebrow. "Maybe you should her opinion first."

"I can make my own decisions," I snapped back.

Raising one hand in surrender, Cristina used the other to shove her fork in her mouth. "Sorry," she said through her mouthful of food.

Changing the topic, I asked, "How far along are you, Iz?"

Exchanging glances with Cristina she answered, "About three weeks," with an almost guilty expression. "I took a test after I missed my period. Addison's going to exam me later today or tomorrow, when she can fit me in."

"It's okay to talk about, Iz. It hurts, but I'm okay."

Cristina squeezed my hand before shoving another forkful in her mouth. "You're strong, Mer. You're stronger than I would be. But think about this baby thing…You have to be careful with your heart."

I stood up and crossed around the table, giving her a hug. "I love you. Both of you. I have to get back to work."

"Bye, Mer," Izzie said as I walked towards the exit.

I waved goodbye over my shoulder.

OooooooooooooooO

"Everyone, this is my husband, Derek."

"Hi, Derek," Miley smiled.

"Hi," Derek answered, looking around the room.

"How was everybody's week?" Becky asked.

"Meredith and I are talking about having another baby," Derek jumped in.

I elbowed him in the side, whispering, "Didn't waste any time with that one, did you?"

He shook his head slightly as Becky said, "Oh. That can be…good or bad."

"This is moving forward, right?" I asked. "We're starting our family new again."

One of the other women whose name I didn't know shook her head. "I couldn't do that. I would feel too guilty…like I was…I don't know. Forgetting?"

Derek squeezed my hand so tightly that my knuckles began to throb.

"Does anybody else have any thoughts?" Becky asked.

Miley reached over and squeezed my other hand. "I think you're very brave. And I think that if you know you are truly ready, if you know that this is the right thing, then you should do it. But you have to be ready, hon. You have to be sure, it hasn't been that long."

"People keep saying that," I said into my lap.

"It's true," Becky chimed in. "It hasn't been that long. And you have to think about it…you can't use this baby as a replacement. You can't use this baby to fix what's broken. It would be it's own person."

"But if this is what we need to heal…" I protested.

"I'm not saying not to do it, Meredith. I'm just saying that you need to guard yourselves. You would need to be careful not to treat this baby differently because it isn't Richie. You would need to make sure you are starting anew, you need to realize that even with a new baby, you won't have a chance to go back and relive your life with Richie."

"I know," I whispered, as Derek released my hand to put an arm around my shoulders. The rest of the group was silent as I responded, "I know all that…and I'm not saying it will be easy, because it won't be. I'm not saying that this baby will replace Richie, because it won't. I'm not saying that it will fix everything, because it won't. But different people heal different ways…and this is how I want, no, this is how I need to heal."

"Okay then. I, and I'm sure everybody else, will be here for you, no matter what you decide."

Derek and I exchanged a quick glance, and I settled in against his chest.


	18. Learning to Swim Again

"There's someplace I want to stop, if that's okay." Derek put on the right blinker without waiting for an answer.

"Where are we going?" I asked, looking out the window and trying to orient myself.

Seconds later, he pulled into the cemetery. "I haven't been here," he whispered.

"I haven't either," I answered.

Derek parked and got out of the car, walking around to my side. As he opened the door for me, I reached out and took his hand. "He's right down here somewhere." Kneeling, he checked out the nearest headstone. "This is it."

I sat down on the ground at Derek's feet, not trusting myself to remain standing. "This is it," I repeated. Digging deep at my side, I came up with a handful of the still somewhat fresh dirt. "I can't believe he's…in there. You know? I mean, it still feels like we're going to go home and he's going to be there, waiting."

Derek sank down beside me, wrapping his arm around me. "It still doesn't quite feel real. I know he's gone, but…I still can't…I don't always believe it."

I nodded. "Richie brought us together, Derek, you realize that?"

He gave my shoulder a squeeze. "He was the best little boy we could have asked for."

"I didn't know love before. I had never experienced it, I wouldn't let myself. But the moment I held my little boy in my arms…" The tears fell silently down my cheeks, and I made no effort to brush them away.

"That was when you got it," Derek finished, totally understanding.

"Yeah. I fit."

"We fit."

"It's my place…being a mom. It's what I was looking for." When I looked over at him, I realized that he was crying too. "It's what I'm supposed to be, Derek."

Reaching out, he traced the lettering on the headstone. "Richie Shepard. God gave him his wings."

"Addie did a good job. I would have been lost without her."

"She did. That's Addie."

He got to his feet and held out a hand to me. As I stood up, he put his arm through my elbow and led me back to the car. We made the short drive home in silence, but once we pulled in the driveway and he shut the car off, Derek said, "So we're having another baby then?"

I cupped my hand over his on the steering wheel. "Yeah. We are."

OoooooooooooooooO

"I'm hoping for a girl," Izzie stated as we sat together on her patio.

"Derek and I are trying. He's been good about it, cute. He's trying to figure out the best days…"

"You guys are going to try?" she questioned with a raised eyebrow.

I nodded. "I know he's scared to death. I know he is, because I am too. But yes, we're going to try. Having a baby made me feel like a real person…and I need that feeling again."

Izzie smiled. "I get that."

The back door opened, and Addison stepped out. "Hey guys."

"Hi," I answered, patting the chair next to me. "Sit for a while."

Dropping into the chair, she said, "I said yes."

"You said…" I shook my head in confusion.

Izzie leapt suddenly to her feet, screaming, "You said yes? You said yes? Oh my god, Addie, I can't believe it!"

As Addison got lost in Izzie's hug, it suddenly dawned on me, "Wait…you and Alex are getting married?"

Pulling away from Izzie, she nodded to me. Her eyes filled with happy tears, and I jumped up to give her another hug. "I said yes," she whispered. "You don't know how scary that is."

"You want scary?" I countered. "Derek and I…we're going to have another baby."

"Your scary beats my scary," Addison replied.

"Really puts the world in perspective, doesn't it?" I asked.

Izzie was bouncing on her heels. "Addie, you're getting married!" she squealed again.

"I need help," she confessed. "I have no idea what I'm doing right now. Absolutely no idea."

"That's what friends are for, right?" I took her hand and squeezed as we went into the house. "We help each other. I need positive things to fill my life with right now."

"You'll be fine, Addie. Really," Izzie added.

The three of us dropped down in a heap on the couch. "We all will," I whispered, so quietly that no one heard me.


	19. Deja Vu All Over Again

One month later

Addison sat at the breakfast bar, dangling her feet off the stool as she ran a finger around the coffee cup rim. "How are you, Meredith? Honestly?"

"I'm fine," I said, opening the oven to check on dinner again. My poor skills in the various areas of cooking required frequent checks on the food.

"You keep saying that," she replied, a bemused expression on her face.

I sat down next to her, pulling my hand out of the oven mitt and slapping it on to the counter. "The thought of having another baby buoyed me for a while, I think."

"I guessed that."

Putting on the oven mitt, I popped up again and opened the oven door.

"Mer, would you sit down for longer than just a second?"

I whirled around. "Addie, I swear, I'm okay, I don't know how many times I have to say it, I just…"

"What?" she asked quietly.

I pulled the meat out of the oven, setting it down on the hot pads. "Let's just eat, okay?"

"Okay."

I cut up the meat, placing a plate in front of Addison and then sitting down next to her. "Did you and Alex set a date yet?"

"Christmas," she said after she finished chewing. "I know it's a bit cliché, but it seemed sort of…I don't know. Sweet?"

I nodded. "It'll be pretty."

"I've started looking at dresses and stuff. Picking colors."

"You've always been good at that," I said absently, remembering the last event that Addison had picked out colors for. "I still miss him, Addie."

"I know, sweetie."

We finished our meal in silence. As I was loading the dishwasher, Addison's cell phone rang. "I can't find it," she laughed, rummaging through her purse. "Don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up." Scooping it out of the side pocket, she flipped it open. "Hello?"

I watched as the smile slowly faded from her face. "When?"

I waved my hand in front of her, mouthing "What," and trying to get her attention. Something was obviously wrong.

"Of course," she answered the person on the other end. "I'll be right there. I'm only ten minutes away, I'm out the door five minutes ago." Hanging up, and gathering her stuff, she said, "I have to go, Mer."

I followed her out the door. "What's going on? Where are you going?"

Addison shook her head as she unlocked her car door. "You should stay here," she answered.

I held the door open as she jumped in the car. "I'm not glass, Addison, I know something is going on, and I'm not letting you go until you tell me what it is."

She gestured around the car with one hand as she started the ignition. "Get in, we have to go."

Slamming the car door, I buckled my seatbelt as she sped out of the driveway. "It's Izzie," she whispered. "There's been an accident."

OooooooooooooooO

George was in the waiting room when we came in, Derek sitting next to him. "George!" I cried, rushing forward to embrace him. He had a small bandage on his right cheek, but looked otherwise not worse for the wear.

"Where is she?" Addison asked, discarding her purse and other things on the floor and pulling out her scrub cap.

Derek pointed wordlessly down the hall.

"George," I whispered, "what happened?"

He shook his head as silent tears streamed down his cheeks. "We were driving home from the day care. We both just got off from here…we were picking up Doug at day care."

Derek reached out and took one of George's hands as I kneeled in front of him and took the other.

"Doug was goofing off in the backseat, and I turned around. Then there were lights, and Izzie was screaming…it hit right on…that side of the car."

I sank all the way to the ground, still holding George's hand, and rested my head on Derek's knee. "Are they…?" I couldn't even finish the sentence.

"Doug's going to be okay. He has a fractured arm, they're fixing him up. We don't know about Izzie yet," Derek whispered through clenched teeth. "We don't know anything yet. They won't let us in, claim we're too close…which is probably true."

"But they called Addison…?" I questioned.

Derek cast as glance at George before quickly shaking his head.

I nodded silently, staring down the hall and waiting for Addison to come out. Over an hour went by, people coming in and out of the room where Izzie was, before she finally appeared. Taking off her scrub cap, she wiped the sweat off her brow before heading over to where we were waiting.


	20. Understanding Comes Around

"Hey guys," Addison said as she reached our little group. "Izzie's doing okay, she stable, she's awake. And she asking specifically for you, Mer."

George shook his head, his features creasing in confusion. "I…"

"Just Meredith," Addison said gently. "I need an extra pair of hands, and she asked for Meredith."

His face going totally blank, George sank back into his chair. "Take care of him," I quietly told Derek.

Derek nodded.

"You need to be prepared," Addison said as we stood outside the exam room. "She's hurt pretty bad, Mer."

I swallowed harshly, taking a deep breath. "What do you need me to do?" I asked. "The baby?"

"We need to go in," she said by way of answer, opening the door.

Izzie was lying on the table, her blonde hair matted with blonde. Her face was so swollen, I could barely make out her eyes. There was a chest tube coming out of a small hole near her armpit, common treatment for a collapsed lung.

"Mer," she said, so softly I almost missed it. "Mer?" She started to cry softly, the tears streaking through the bits of blood and dirt that were still on her face.

"I'm here, Iz. I'm right here." I took her hand, squeezing gently so as not to cause her anymore pain.

"It hurts, Mer."

"What? What hurts, Iz?"

Addison pulled over a cart and began setting up an ultrasound machine on the shelves beside the bed. "She has a lot of pain in her abdomen area, and some bleeding. I need to try and check the baby, but she wouldn't let me unless you were here."

I nodded, suddenly understanding. "It's okay, Iz. I'm here."

"It hurts," Izzie whimpered. "Mer…I'm so scared…"

"I know, sweetie. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."

Izzie's clothes were already mostly torn away. Addison put a fresh drape over Izzie's upper chest. "This is going to be a little cold," she said before spreading the gel gently over Izzie's abdomen.

Izzie winced, her eyelids drifting shut. "You still with me, Iz?" I whispered.

She nodded, wincing again at the pain the action cost her. Gripping my hand so hard that the knuckles turned white, she mumbled, "Is it still there, Meredith, is the baby okay? Can you see it?"

Addison turned on the monitor and gently placed the transducer against Izzie's skin. Izzie turned her neck slowly, trying to see the monitor, but Addison turned the screen away.

"Addison's the best, Iz. She…"

"Mer," Addison interrupted.

Addison had already hooked up a fetal heart monitor, and I glanced at it quietly, as she continued the ultrasound.

"It's weak, but it's there," Addison whispered, wiping away the single tear that trickled down her cheek. "The heartbeat is really weak…but it's there."

"Oh my god," Izzie whispered, her grip on my hand releasing slightly as fresh tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

The stats on the monitor remained steady, not falling anymore, but not gaining either.

"The placenta is fine, attached. The baby is weak, but seems to be okay," Addison concluded, placing the transducer back on the cart. "I'm thinking that the bleeding is caused by the stress of the accident, Iz, nothing more. But you are definitely going to be admitted. We're going to have to keep an eye on you overnight at least and make sure that the pain doesn't develop into anything more."

"Thank god you had your seatbelt on, hey, Iz?" I took a damp cloth from beside the table and wiped away her tears. "Did you hear her? You're going to be okay. The baby is okay."

"Mer? Where's Doug? Is he…"

"He's okay," I assured her, with a quick glance at Addison.

"He has a fractured arm, Iz," Addison added, "but he's fine. He's going to be okay. He'll be released tonight." She gave Izzie's other hand a gentle squeeze. "You're strong, Iz, and your baby is strong. You're a fighter, a survivor."

Izzie fell back against the pillow, her eyes closing. As her grip on my hand grew slack, I whispered to Addison, "I'm going to go send George in, okay?"

She nodded. "I'll be out there in a minute."

I opened the door and made it out into the hallway before I slid down to the floor and let my tears overtake me.


	21. I'm Sorry If It Hurts You

Derek wrapped his arms around me instantly. "Oh, Mer…"

"Derek," I sobbed, "I…I…"

"It's okay, Mer, you don't…" Derek lifted me into his arms as if I was made of nothing, and carried me out of the doorway and over to the bank of chairs. I was dimly aware of George pushing past me and disappearing through the door of Izzie's room.

"Der…ek…" I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in chest, soaking his shirt within seconds. "I can't…I'm…"

"Is it Izzie, Mer? Is she all right?"

I clung to his shoulders as if I was afraid of flying away. "She's fine, the baby is going to be okay, it's…"

"What, honey, talk to me, please?" He cupped my hand lightly in his palm and rocked back and forth slowly.

"We…we can't have another baby, Derek, not yet, I…I can't…do…" I stumbled on my words, trying to force all of the thoughts out of my head. "I can't. We can't." I sat up in his lap, placing my hands on his shoulders and looking him dead in the eyes through my tears. "It's too soon."

"Okay," he nodded.

"I was so scared for Izzie, Derek, I was so scared, I didn't know what to do…I…"

"You did fine, Mer. You did fine; you were there. That's what's important."

I climbed down from his lap and settled in the chair next to him. "I'm sorry…" I whispered. "I'm so sorry, Derek."

"For what?" Derek asked, grasping my hand between his.

"For pushing."

He shook his head. "Don't worry about it, Mer, with everything…"

George came back out of Izzie's room. "She's going to be okay. She's really shaken up, but she's going to be okay."

Derek squeezed my shoulder. "She's a fighter."

"Yeah, she is. So are you," he said to me, giving me a hug. "I love you, Mer."

"I love you too, George," I answered, wiping the tears off my cheeks.

"I'm going to go check on Doug. Could you maybe go with Izzie? They're going to move her to a room for the night."

"Of course, George," I replied.

"I'll go with you to get Doug," Derek said. "Leave them to their girlie time." He leaned over, kissing me on the cheek, whispering in my ear. "You don't have to hold it together all the time, Mer. Nobody expects you to."

OooooooooooooooO

Izzie was propped up against the pillows. "It pays to work here," she said quietly. "Private room."

I smiled, perching on the edge of the bed so as not to take up too much space.

"My face still aches…everything aches."

"I'm sorry, Iz," I whispered.

"It's okay," she answered. "It's not that bad, not really. I was just…I was so scared, Mer, when I thought the baby was gone, I…"

I bit the inside of my lip, turning away so she wouldn't be able to look into my eyes.

"Every pain now, every twinge…I know that it's going to be okay, I know what Addison said, but…"

"It's still scary," I finished for her, rubbing her hand. "I know."

"I…I can't even imagine, Mer, I can't imagine…"

"What?" I asked, my brow creasing.

"How strong you must have to be."

Tears leaked out the corners of my eyes as I turned away from her once again.

"Mer?"

"Yeah?" I answered as I reached for a Kleenex from the nightstand.

"I'm sorry if it hurts you."

I shook my head. "What? This?" I waved my hand around the room.

"The baby." Izzie reached up with her good hand and wiped away the tears on my cheek. "I really am sorry. I…"

"I don't think Derek and I…we aren't having a baby," I interrupted. "Not yet anyway. We aren't ready. Seeing your pain made me realize…I'm not ready to take the chance. You know?"

"I…kind of figured." She laid back, her eyes drifting shut again. "I know you better than you realize, Meredith. And you thought Cristina knew you best of all. Whatever you decide," she said through her sleep haze, "it will…all work out."

With that thought, Izzie drifted away into sleep.


	22. If You Were

I cracked open the door to Richie's room, peering through the crack into an area I hadn't seen in over a month. It was just as Derek and I had left it the last time, presents everywhere, and the bed neatly made with the little brown bear in the middle. Behind me, I had several folded up cardboard boxes and a roll of packing tape, and I dragged them into the room with me as I opened the door all the way.

I started with the presents we had gotten for that last birthday; the presents he had never gotten a chance to open. _These are the easy ones. They were never really his. They are nothing that he would miss if…_

Sealing the box up with tape, I marked it for Goodwill. These were the giveaways, the items that had never existed in Richie's life, and never would.

"Hi, Meredith."

I turned around, and Addison was leaning in the open doorway.

"Hey," I answered as she sat down on the floor beside me.

"Derek let me in. He was towel drying his hair and getting ready to go to the hospital for a late surgery."

I lifted the box over her lap and shoved it out the door.

"What are you doing?"

"Packing. Started with the easy stuff, the stuff he never actually had, and…" I waved my hand around, fighting back another wave of tears. "I'm having a hard time starting on the rest. I…"

"Can I help?" Addison asked gently. "Maybe if we try doing just…one more box?"

I nodded shakily, getting up and opening Richie's dresser. "Maybe some of the clothes?"

Addison set up a box and taped the bottom, putting it on the bed. I gently removed the articles of clothing, one at a time, and Addison folded them and put them away in the box. When the box was overflowing, she stuffed the clothes down and taped the top of the box shut.

Sinking down on the floor with my back against the dresser, I let Addison sit next to me and put an arm around my shoulders. "This was a positive step, Mer. This is good."

"It's sort of…accepting it. You know what I mean?"

She nodded. "I'm proud of you, I know this had to be hard."

"This was the easy stuff. Then I think about stuff like this," I said, reaching up to grab the bear off the bed and hugging it to my chest, "and I feel like my heart is breaking all over again."

"You don't have to do everything all at once. You can take as much time as you need. I don't even think you should give it all away. Keep some of the special stuff."

"Like the bear?" I asked.

"Whatever you want, Mer. Whatever you need." Addison got up and took the second box into the hallway. "The best memories, the things you treasure the most. Those are the things that you keep."

I followed her out into the hallway, bringing the bear with me. "Today," I said quietly, "was the first day where I didn't wake up thinking that he was going to be here. Today was the first day, I think, where the fact that he's really gone, that he's never coming back, really stuck."

We walked into the living room, and I sank onto the couch. Addison crouched down and started the log inside on fire before joining me to stare into the flame.

"I wish that things…I don't know. Is it dumb to wish that I never would have gone to the pool that day? Is it dumb to wish that I would have been a better mom? If I was…" My voice trailed off as I dug my nails into the arm of the couch, fighting the urge to break apart.

"If you were…?" she prodded gently.

"Anyone but me?" I shrugged sadly. "Anyone? I don't know."

"If you were anyone but you, you wouldn't be Meredith."

"Seriously?" I answered, rolling my eyes slightly.

"Seriously!" she exclaimed. "Who you are, who you've become…Mer, in spite of everything…you are a remarkable woman. I know that you're sad right now, I know you can't see that. But it's true. And you'll see it again someday, I promise you. If you were anybody else, Mer…" She laughed softly, shifting position slightly on the couch. "If you were anybody else…let's just say that life would be really sticky without you."

"I need to figure out a way to just solidly move on, Addie," I abruptly changed the subject. "I haven't found that yet. I feel like I'm still stuck, even after two months, I'm swimming against the current and getting nowhere."

"It's not nowhere," Addison insisted. "You're two boxes closer to somewhere. And you can get to somewhere a year down the line, there's no set timeline. You get there when you get there."

I peered at her curiously. "How do you know so much?" I asked. "How do you always know what to say?"

"I know, I've never had kids, but…I've seen my own share of pain. I just don't share it very often."

I nodded in understanding, and we back to staring at the fire.

OooooooooooooooO

Izzie pushed herself up in bed when I came into her room. "Mer, god, get me out of here, would you?"

"Hello to you too!" I laughed.

Smiling, she squeezed my hand as I sat on the edge of the bed. "It's nice to hear you laugh, Mer, have I ever told you that?"

"Addison helped me pack up a couple boxes yesterday."

"Of…" she trailed off, not need to finish the sentence.

"Yeah," I nodded, not bothering to say it out loud either. "And I think I'm officially back here. Working, I mean."

"Like, back, back?"

"Yeah," I said again. "Back, back. No more paperwork for me. I had a consult this morning, and I have a surgery on the board for this afternoon."

"And…no baby?" she asked hesitantly.

"How did you…Derek told you?"

She nodded. "He was in here late last night after his surgery."

"Not yet. Not for a little while, anyway. I need some time to pick up the pieces before I start making new ones, you know? Derek agrees with me. It's just…It's too hard right now."

"Eventually," she replied.

"Eventually."

"I want to switch my specialty," I said suddenly.

"You've been neuro for years, Mer, you want to change?"

"Not exactly…I want, I mean, Derek's here. And he's all, number one neuro-surgeon in the country, you know? So I was thinking…I just…I want to do something that would honor my son…if that makes sense."

"I guess."

"I was thinking that I would move into more of pediatric-neuro specialty. A neuro-surgeon geared more towards helping kids. It just feels…I don't know," I stumbled. "It feels…right. I already talked to the chief."

"If it feels right, Mer, go for it! While you're at, have I mentioned that you need to get me out of here and back into my own house?"

"Yes, Iz, yes," I said giving her hand a squeeze. "What was it you said earlier…oh, yeah, give it some time?"

"Get to work," she answered, giving me a light bump off the bed.

As I walked out of the room, I realized that I was taking the first few steps towards moving back into my life.

**a.n.-One, possibly two, more chapters to go—and I think the end will satisfy everybody who stuck with me this far! I promised that happy ending! Hang in there!**


	23. Again and Again and the Letting Go

"If I could say anything to you right now…there are a million things that I would say. I don't even know where to begin." I wrapped my jacket around me, sitting down on the ground. "There are a million wishes. I have a million wishes for you."

A chill whipped around me, damp Seattle air leaking up the sleeves of my jacket. Derek waited a short distance away, his hands filled keeping a handle on my gift.

"I have a million wishes for you," I whispered again, letting the phrase carry off into the wind. "I hope you're happy, where you are. I hope you aren't cold. I hope you have a lot of friends, a lot of kids your age you can play with. Maybe you even have a puppy. Or a kitten. It would be nice if you had that."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Derek move a little closer.

"I wish that you could have grown up…gotten to go to school…have a girlfriend…drive a car…get married, someday, but you won't, and I'm sorry. It wasn't meant to be. There are so many things that I wish I could give you, so many things that I wish I could say. I don't have enough time to say them all, Richie. There's never enough time, you and I, we didn't have enough time."

Derek was directly behind me now, shifting things in his hands so that he could squeeze my shoulder.

"If I could give you one last hug, one last kiss…I would. But I can't reach you where you are right now, not until we're together again…and I don't plan on that happening for a long, long time."

I stood up and turned around to face Derek, reaching out and taking the fistful of balloons from his hand. "You always liked balloons, you liked to see the different colors. We were at the fair once, and you accidentally let your balloon go."

"I remember that," Derek whispered quietly.

"You started to cry," I continued, "and I told you that when a balloon flies up into the sky, it represents a wish that someone wants answered. I brought you balloons," I said, holding them up to the sky while still clutching them tightly in my hands. "They are all my wishes for you, Richie. All my wishes, and I wish for you to have everything you ever wanted. I wish for you to be happy. I wish you peace."

I opened my hands and let the balloons fly gracefully up into the sky in a flock of rainbow colors. "I wish you peace."

Derek wrapped his arms around me from behind, and I leaned into him as we watched the balloons. When the last one had disappeared into the cloudy sky, he took my hand and turned me to face him. "I've been thinking."

"Yeah?"

"I've been thinking…" he said again, "and Addie's been plotting."

"That's never good," I answered.

"I want us to get married. Again. And Addie and I were talking about it, and we thought…Maybe before Alex and Addie's wedding, at Christmas, when everybody will be at the church anyway…We could renew our vows." Derek got down on one knee in the dirt, holding my hand and staring directly into my eyes. "Marry me, Dr. Shepard-Grey? Marry me again?"

"Again," I smiled softly. "Again, and again, and again, until I'm one hundred years old."

He scooped me up into his arms and carried me all the way back to the car. As he set me down on the seat, he whispered, "Through it all…I know it's been bad. But I want to be your knight again, I want to be your everything…I want to be the ones that make it, not a statistic. You and me. Forever."

"Forever," I affirmed. "Forever."

**a.n.-That's the end of this one—my first really long fanfic! Thanks for reading, and check out my next fic for the Addie/Alex wedding of the century! Take care, all. More soonish.**


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